01 - forward dated to post-event

[scaremonger]

[ VOICE ]

So basically. I'm in jail.

[ Caliborn lets a long silence pan out, intending it to hammer in the sheer injustice of it all. He is also obviously walking around, the dull sound of his metal leg against the floor ringing clearly. ]

All of my preparation. All of my work and devotion. And most of all. My self attained freedom. Is sooo totally gone now. Because some slippery bitch picked me up. Like. "Hey, Cal! You've been kind of evil. So come to prison." I mean, duh? Evil is my bag. But this Admiral Shitface did it when I was in critical fucking mission mode. It's like. No wonder he's not showing his face. He should be ashamed. For ruining my glorious self-suicide godhood ascension scenario.

[ His previously just indignant tone hits a lower note of blind fury, and the sound of him pacing around gets louder as he stomps. ]

And also taking away what rightfully belonged to me. I earned all of that freedom.

[ He reaches out and kicks a chair, which rolls and hits the far wall of his cabin forcefully. ]

More than any of you. I deserve that.

[ He swings out and there's a loud clamor as the chair hits the wall again, possibly snapping. Which is completely what actually happened. ]

Some worthless mother fucker is going to like. Wheel over here. "But what about meeeee." Or maybe. "Stop whining!" Or even. "I want to get punched in the face. And every tooth in my jaw. Shattered." Which is basically. Implicit in every single response. That isn't wholehearted agreement? But. To that bullshit, I say. Were you chained up most your life?? Stuck in a room with a shit tier sister who color coded things for you??? No? Then. You can't say anything.

[ There's a long wordless silence as he shuffles around, as much as stomping is shuffling. He huffs and the device gets picked up. A moment of hesitation is followed by him throwing it against the far wall with all his might.

It's muffled, but he shouts across the room at the dumb thing. ]

I'm going to throw a tantrum. AND THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.


[ SPAM ]

[ And then, not too long after the post goes up, Caliborn will be found wandering the deck. He's come up with the intention of ignoring people who don't talk to him, but it's likely that his short attention span will be scooped up by some interesting looking passerby.

Before that, though... he's definitely up to no good, either by attempting to fuck up the rose gardens in some creative way when he thinks no one is looking or staring vacantly overboard where he's thrown a wooden chair.

Space is pretty hypnotic. ]

Comments

[audio]

[megamind]

Then throw it. We're sort of recovering from a shipwide catastrophe so I'm sure someone will give you the heads up an the rules later, promise. Rght now, just-- break things, get it all out. It's okay. We'll fix it later.

[audio]

[fearmonger]

[ Is this guy seriously encouraging his tantrum. Caliborn wasn't expecting that, but he's pretty fucking pleased regardless. ]

I'm going to smash those chairs on the deck. Put them in a big pile. Just. Splintered legs and backs and other broken chair parts. And then. I'm going to light them on fire.

I'll guard my bonfire with a mop spear. And sacrifice anyone who comes near it. Probably in my own name? Everyone is going to be as mad as I am. At this "Admiral" character. For bringing me here.

Also. You will tell me about catastrophes.

[audio]

[megamind]

Do it. Nobody will care up until you start stabbing people and then we'll haul you to Zero and nobody will care. And you'll sit there a week, and then you'll still be here.

Nobody is going to be mad as you. You're an inmate. Welcome to the gameshow. Right now, everyone is way more mad that someone hijacked the barge, and just like every other time someone's taken over the barge it's only hurt people that he didn't mean for it to, and upset a bunch of people whose lives he rewrote.

So I suggest you untwist your panties, get over your 'I've been kidnapped' tantrum that we all go through on an accelerated schedule, and get over yourself pronto. We got bigger fish to fry right now than you, my friendly minnow.

[text]

[routemistress]

8/10 for style. Good use of profanity and violent imagery. Could have been more original, but I appreciate the cadence and flow of your ranting. Not everyone can do that well.
1/10 for timing. The time for anyone to pay much attention to your tantrum is not when we've all just come off a bad breach*.
0/10 for content. Do you imagine everyone else that was brought here against their will fell upon our necks with gratitude and determination to be a grace and ornament to our little crew, or something?

*Chromie has a leaflet which explains all these barge concepts in great detail. I shall have one delivered to you later, should she not happen to notice you.

[text]

[fearmonger]

I GIVE YOU THE SCORE OF -192132838934/10. IN THE CATEGORY OF "NOT BEING AN ANNOYING PIECE OF SHIT". WHICH MEANS. YOU ARE UNDOUBTEDLY. AN ANNOYING PIECE OF SHIT! CONGRATULATIONS.

AND MAYBE ALSO BEING. AN INSUFFERABLE KNOW IT ALL? SERIOUSLY. WORK ON NOT DOING THAT. HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW MY TIMING WAS BAD. FOR PEOPLE TO PAY UNDIVIDED ATTENTION TO ME? ALSO WHAT'S A BREACH.

PS: I'M GOING TO USE THAT LEAFLET AS KINDLING. FOR MY CHAIR BONFIRE. MAYBE I WILL READ IT FIRST. "THANK YOU". I BELIEVE THAT IS THE EARTH HUMAN "POLITE" TERMINOLOGY. FOR SOMETHING GOOD HAPPENING?? I DON'T KNOW DUDE. I'M TOO BUSY BEING A RUTHLESS HOOLIGAN.

[text]

[routemistress]

breach = an alternate reality that feels like the prime reality while you're in it. I've been a pirate, a suburban housewife with amnesia, a drink problem and the Master for a husband, a Duchess, another pirate, a witch and now a Grand Fairy.

sorry bb. it's hard not to occasionally be an insufferable knowitall when you know as much as I do.

why does no one ever read the futtering leaflet.

you enjoy your bonfire bb, I might come and douse marshmallows in gin and toast them.

[text]

[synchronous]

[ Some of the allusions in that rant are... familiar. Weirdly so. Dirk is still reeling from coming back from that breach, but he is too curious to let this slip by. ]

Tantrum away, bro. It won't help.

[text]

[fearmonger]

[ Caliborn has no idea this is Dirk, so he responds like he's a complete stranger. ]

THERE IS BASICALLY NO CHANCE OF IT NOT HELPING. IF NOTHING ELSE. IT WILL GET RID OF MY ANGRY EMOTIONS. SO THAT I CAN WORK ON GETTING OUT OF HERE. AND GO BACK TO WORKING TOWARD FUCKING SHIT UP ON A COSMIC SCALE. LIKE I AM SUPPOSED TO.

[text]

[synchronous]

[ Oh god it is him, isn't it. ]

You do realize you're here precisely because of your plans to fuck shit up on a cosmic scale, right? Even you couldn't have missed the point that badly. Come on.

voice

[characterdefect]

[None of this strikes Roderick as particularly unreasonable. Wanton destruction, check. Implacable fury, check. Loss of freedom, obviously. There's a little too much cursing for his taste, but hey. It takes all kinds to make a fucking world.]

[He literally has his chin in his hand right now, by the way, not that Caliborn can see it. Worst case scenario, this entertains him for the afternoon and distracts him from . . . whatever just happened.]

I think those circumstances warrant a tantrum. It's not like much happens by way of punishment around here, anyway.

voice

[fearmonger]

[ Ok here sounds a reasonable dude. Maybe he won't turn around and get all righteous on him weirdly and suddenly. ]

Hell yes. It's basically the worst thing. That's ever happened to me. And that's including every conversation with my sister ever.

Tell me more about like. Punishments here. What can I even expect. If I do something "bad".

voice

[characterdefect]

Well, let's see. The day I got here I killed a man and almost killed another, and they put me in a little room for seven days, then let me go. Does that help your frame of reference?

spam

[wedonot]

I would appreciate it if you didn't touch the plants, [Comes the polite but pointed request when Charles catches the newcomer contemplating the rosebushes with less than kind intentions.

He has not had a great week, and while he's generally pretty good about not holding other people's bad moods against them, the garden and greenhouse has been somewhat of a safe haven for him and a few others on the Barge, so he's not especially interested in just sitting back and letting the place get destroyed while he's there and capable of doing something about it.]

[fearmonger]

[ Caliborn jumps just about a mile when he's addressed, standing up to his... totally average full height and trying to look intimidating. He completely didn't see that guy sneaking up on him. ]

I'm, uh. "Weeding". Let me take my aggression out in a productive way shitface.

[ And slowly he crouches back down, not actually breaking eye contact with the guy as he digs his claws into the soil and tears it up. He's trying to dig the roots of this particular rosebush out of the ground enough he can pull it out, and it's slow going but it actually does make him feel better. So Caliborn does not care. ]

[wedonot]

I could make you, if you'd prefer.

[Of course, that's not an especially threatening statement, coming from someone who looks about as intimidating as a kitten, but Charles doesn't seem especially bothered or offended, and keeps talking in the same just about conversational tone.]

Of course, that particular rosebush is one planted by an old friend of mine, and prolonged contact with any part of it will cause your skin to blister and swell until your hands look more like balloons than anything else, so by all means, if that's something you'd like to add to your list of grievances, I suppose it's your business.

[secretasshole]

I think you'll find a few of us will understand your perspective better than you're presently assuming.

But by all means, I've been informed that a temper tantrum can be very... refreshing.

[fearmonger]

[ People understanding him??? Preposterous. ]

It fucking is. Just. Get all your angry out. And make someone else clean it up. Basically win-win??

And I just. Soooooo completely doubt. That anyone could ever understand me. It's basically impossible.

[secretasshole]

Something tells me you're going to fit in very well.

[versusnurture]

. . . You hate color coding?

[This is an issue that needs to be immediately addressed.]

[fearmonger]

[ THAT'S what she picked up on. Caliborn is completely offended. ]

Have you ever had someone do that for you. And be persistent about it. Basically your entire life??? EVERYTHING she wanted me to read. Was color coded. With all kinds of candy colored neon mother fucking fonts. And it was just. Endless walls and walls of text. Do you even realize. How excruciating that shit is.

I mean. I DID read it. But not until she was dead.

[versusnurture]

Well. You did it in the end, and that's what matters.

[Which is candy-coated sweet and intended entirely as a barb. She does not think Caliborn wants to be sweet, and that's fine. Neither does she.]

Welcome to prison.

Text

[bodilesswarrior]

Nope, not a thing. [She really shouldn't be typing, either, but she's bored.]

Have you tried punching bags?

Text

[fearmonger]

[ He's tempted to ignore the punching bag comment and focus on the other bit, but he's kind of overwhelmingly curious. If the name is anything to go by, it should be amazing. ]

WHAT EVEN *IS* A PUNCHING BAG.

[spam, greenhouse] eeeee calibutt

[myironeyes]

[Between the full-length dementor cloak and the dull steel train spikes where his eyeballs out to be - and the incongruously bright cockatiel on his shoulder, Marsh definitely qualifies as 'interesting looking passerby'. Also, he does sudden silent looming very well.]

You will remove those thorny twigs from the paths.

[fearmonger]

[ Caliborn startles, stupidly not even seeing this human looking dude approaching. He looks at him in surprise for a moment, then that slowly dissolves into a squint. What the fuck's with his eyeballs. The only thing stupider would be to like, replace eyeballs with... pool balls or something weird like that.

Caliborn wordlessly reaches over to grab a twig. He lifts his arm, not breaking what passes for eye contact, and drops it back into the pile. He snaps off another twig with his other hand and throws it there too. ]